If someone hasn't already said this..

I've decided that New York City is the best place ever for alcoholics and people who like to rage because you don't have to drive anywhere! You can just take the goddamn subway, and you can probably drink on that too. I am now deciding whether or not I should move to New York.

Attention Vegans and Vegetarians!

Please stop reading now if you are easily offended...and most of you are soooo seriously, stop. 

I made a general observation the other day that I, naturally, found quite hilarious. Most other mammals that only eat vegetables are fat and slow. For example: cows, manatees (aka sea cows), sloths, koalas, elephants, and sheep. Granted, there are some herbivores that are fast and nimble such as the deer, but they are also very fragile. On the opposite side of the spectrum, you have carnivores who are the fastest mammals known to man. For example: cheetahs, leopards, lions, tigers, alligators, dolphins, and sharks.

Which group of animals would you like to be associated with? I think I'll remain a carnivore, thank you very much.

The Trouble with Hippies

is that they think they are musically inclined if they can play the tambourine. Yes, I am making a huge generalization and using the term 'hippie' freely, but that's besides the point. The point is that absolutely anyone can play the tambourine. It's like an adult version of a baby rattle. All you have to do is shake it around a little bit and then occasionally bang it on your hip. Now the hip bang is optional, and can only be preformed after butt loads of practice. I can't tell you how many great musicians have had to have hip replacement surgery due to an improper hip bang maneuver. If you weren't given a rattle as a baby, then you are at quite a disadvantage to seasoned tambourinists. However, do not fret because it is never to late to start learning. Just carry a baby rattle around everywhere you go and the progression to tambourine will be quite natural. Before you know it you will be on stage with a band shaking the shit out of that tambourine. (side note: The band probably doesn't want you there.)

Unisex Names.

Here is my problem with unisex names such as Jamie, Skylar, Alex, Devon, Jordan, and Taylor (just to name a few)... Let's say that female Jamie has been searching for love her whole life and doesn't find it until she meets male Jamie. This presents a massive problem in my opinion...a "name conflict", if you will. Just imagine how many annoying situations you would get into where you don't know if someone is talking to you, or your boyfriend...then imagine if these two got married and now have the same last name.

*phone rings*
Jamie: Hello?
telemarketer: Hi, is Jamie there?
Jamie: Which Jamie?
telemarketer: Um Jamie Douscheberry?
Jamie: Which Jamie Douscheberry?
..you get the idea

Other menial daily tasks that would also become annoying would be: sorting the mail, facebooking (especially if they are both in each other's profile pic...like most couples)..although that's more-so annoying for their friends, figuring out which credit card belongs to who, writing appointments on their calendar.
Also, when either of them talks out loud, or gets in a fight with the other, it would be unclear who they are talking to. For example: "Jamie, you are such a scrotum lozenge!" Was she yelling at herself out loud, or was she yelling at Jamie? My final issue is when they are both in bed and things start to get a bit sex-ual. It could not only be confusing, but also a bit egotistical when you start moaning your own name. These issues just scratch the surface so please don't give your kid a unisex name, I guess...I'm not really sure what my point was here..

New Theft Deterrent

So my friend lives in a pretty bad area...her house has been robbed three times within the past couple of months. When I say "bad area" I mean you can drive around there at any time and literally see the same hookers walking around. There are always super sketchy drug deals going on between cars in the cul-de-sac ...you get the idea. Needless to say, when I park my car there it could potentially be broken into. So as I was parking on her front lawn, I had this brilliant idea. What do crackheads, heroin fiends, hookers, and homeless people all need?
Money. So what you do is you take all your spare change and sprinkle it around your car. That way, if they walk up to your car with intentions to rob it...they see the change on the ground and collect it all. By the time they are done, they are so happy with the money they've found that they decide not to break into your car! BOOM. Theft deterrent.

*Note: It could be a hassle if no one tries to rob you because then you are left to pick up all of your change.

It all makes sense!

Did you know that long ago wisdom teeth were not removed and they were actually used as a third set of molars? As our brains have evolved and become larger, our jawbone structure has changed and our mouths have become more crowded (hence the wisdom teeth are usually removed). I've always wondered why my head is so enormous and my mouth is so small...turns out that my brain is just bigger than yours.

Plan B couldn't stop me from living, and neither can you!!